Operate
by Beckon
Summary: He sounded really cynical and part of him hated that, but it was just this feeling that kept creeping up into his chest. He was all too familiar with it and he was already tired of fighting it. But he knew the moment he let it go... there was no coming back from it.


His head was an absolute mess when he finally came to.

He had no recollection of what happened and his eyesight was far too blurry for him to see anything that might've helped him connect the pieces back together. It felt like he was having some kind of out of body experience or something...

Closing his eyes, he tried to keep the dull throbbing inside of his head from overcoming him. It felt like someone was physically hammering something in his head; there was pain radiating behind his eyes and temples. And somehow it was oddly familiar.

Then he tasted the blood on his lips.

He must've turned again…

Perfect.

Giving off a rough sigh, he moved his hands to wipe the blood off, but felt pain in his wrists as they rattled against something instead. It was only then he focused on the tight feeling around his wrists and the slight numbness in his fingertips. Forcing himself to look up, he noticed the handcuffs around his hands first and then saw how they were pulled upward and looped around a pipe that ran up along the wall. It was then he looked down and noticed that he was on the floor, half-propped up against the same wall.

Right about now would be a good time to remember something...

The last thing he remembered was that he was at some kind of church with Sebastian, but... he blacked out or something and ended up back at the asylum. Was that what happened? That couldn't be the whole story, but he couldn't move past those few fleeting images. It felt like he was missing pieces of his memory- it felt like someone had messed with his head. Again. Either way, Sebastian was gone and he had no idea where the man was now. And he highly doubted Sebastian was here or anywhere close to being here; this world wouldn't work to his favor like that.

How long had he been here?

The pain in his joints was beginning to catch up to him now and he became very aware of the stiffness in his back and knees. His neck was killing him too and he tried to roll it to get rid of the painful crook that had buried itself deep into his vertebra. The slightest movement caused a sharp flush of pain to spread quickly across his face instead and he hissed in reaction.

Great.

The blood wasn't just from a nosebleed... his nose was actually broken.

He could barely breathe through all the dried blood.

If he had turned, then he wasn't surprised… he must've done something pretty serious if he ended up like this.

"Feeling better?"

The voice tipped him off and he briefly turned his head towards it; he couldn't quite see who it was, but he easily recognized the voice. Not to mention, the subtle clicking of her heels against the tiled floor gave her away. She didn't sound like she was that far from him, probably just on the other side of the room... yet he didn't hear any kind of door opening or closing. It didn't matter- his head hurt far too much for him to bother with something irrelevant.

He managed to give a brief shrug before he rested his head against the wall. It felt like his headache was getting increasingly worse the longer he was conscious, making his entire body gradually feel heavier. "Not really…" Joseph answered. "Not that I know how I felt before."

"Well, I can tell you, despite how you feel now… it's definitely better." Kidman replied; her tone was strangely soft.

If he didn't know better, he would've called her bluff... but he knew she was right in some sense. At least he wasn't some possessed, soulless minion with absolutely no control over himself. And he wasn't fighting the urge to wrap his hands around someone's neck.

"Are you normal again?"

He wasn't surprised she would ask.

"… Yeah, I guess so." He nodded as he forced himself to move briefly in order to find a slightly more comfortable position. His entire body felt like it was trying to fight him with the smallest of movements. "Or maybe not, I don't know how to answer that…"

She went silent, as though unsure if she should trust him or she just wasn't sure what to do next. And he couldn't blame her for that. He couldn't remember much at this point, maybe he had been possessed up until now and maybe... he tried to kill her just the same. That wasn't exactly something that could just be swept under the rug.

Although Sebastian had put on a strong front about it...

But he heard the sound of her heels clicking as she slowly approached him, before he felt her fingers move to barely brush through his hair. At any other time, he was sure he would've been annoyed by the gesture. But right now, he didn't know what the fuck was going on or where the hell he had been this whole time... the gesture brought a sense of human comfort to it. And right now, he needed something to remind him of his humanity- he needed something to drag him back to it.

"If it helps, I didn't purposely break your nose. It just happened."

It was odd to hear how genuinely concerned she sounded. More than likely, she did it out of self-defense, so there would be no reason for an explanation... but she still felt inclined to say something.

"I probably deserved it." He assured.

She continued to brush her fingers through his hair before she gradually moved to uncuff him.

He considered telling her it would be safer to just keep him cuffed up. Because he knew only two things could come from this... he'd either turn again or he would be overcome with this sick need to put a gun to his head. Either way, he would lose himself again in this fucking hellhole.

But that wasn't to say he didn't enjoy the rush of feeling back into his hands.

He pulled his wrists back to him and briefly rubbed at them, trying to work the blood flow back into his fingers. That was when he noticed the dark bruises that were setting in and noticed how his skin had been briefly torn open. He must've still been turned when she cuffed him...

The thought of it left a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I didn't do anything again, did I?" he asked, although he was certain he knew the answer to it.

"No."

He had to appreciate the fact that she would lie to him like that just to protect him.

But there was no way he could come out looking like this without something provoking it. And if she hadn't intended it, then it was a decision made in a state of pure panic and adrenaline.

He briefly touched at the blood that had dried over his lips and partly down his chin. There were a few blood specks on his shirt too. It must've been a hell of a hit. He did what he could to wipe it off, and did his best to do so without touching his nose. It was practically throbbing now- and it only seemed to have gotten worse the moment he knew it was broken.

She knelt down beside him and moved to take one of his hands. "You did put up a hell of a fight though."

It sounded like she was trying to be comforting... and he had to admire her for the attempt.

"That's not necessarily a good thing." Joseph reminded.

Kidman gently pulled his forearm out to hold in front of her and seemed to examine where the skin had broken around his wrist from the struggle. There was some blood that had dried along parts of his forearm as well, but it was minor blood loss. Although he had a feeling even if it was serious, he wouldn't really care about it. "You're still here, aren't you? It just means that both sides of you are willing to fight."

"Great, so on one side, you have to fight to keep me from trying to kill you; and on the other, I have to fight so I don't kill myself whenever the thought comes to mind." he sighed, as he removed his glasses and pressed the back of his hand against his still ringing temple. "... Not exactly what I would call a fair fight."

He sounded really cynical and part of him hated that, but it was just this feeling that kept creeping up into his chest. He was all too familiar with it and he was already tired of fighting it. But he knew the moment he let it go... there was no coming back from it.

He heard her sigh and felt her hands cup over his jaw before she pulled his head towards her. She leaned in briefly to examine the bloody mess of his nose, but he leaned away before she could touch it.

"I didn't realize I hit you that hard." She briefly apologized once more.

"Like I said, I probably deserved it."

"That part of you did, not this one." She reminded as she gently eased his head back towards her. Her fingers gently touched as close to the break as she could without irritating it- she wasn't very successful with the motion though."I could've shot you like you were just another one of those things. I could've put two in your chest if I hesitated, maybe blown out a knee to slow you down. But if I really wanted you dead, I would've blown your head open like it was nothing."

Her words stilled him for a moment and he was surprised to find that the images she had described did little to entice him; in fact, they frightened him. Maybe because he could actually see her doing it with no hesitation...

"But I didn't, because this side of you didn't deserve that." she finished.

"... I appreciate it."

Kidman nodded and finally seemed content with her brief examination as she dropped her hands away from him. He watched as she brushed her loose bangs aside and turned her head briefly as something seemed to catch her attention. It wasn't much, but he could see dark bruises forming along the side of her neck- and he bet they would line up perfectly with his hands.

"We're secure for now. I haven't seen many of those things on this floor- I don't think they even know this room is back here." she assured, taking his attention towards her as a sign of worry, he guessed. "How are you feeling?"

At any other time, it would've been a simple question, but he knew she wouldn't accept a single word answer. "Well... my nose is broken and my wrists are bleeding, so I've been better."

Still the wrong answer apparently.

She didn't say anything, but everything was said in the way she looked at him. He didn't know how, but she had this rather piercing gaze sometimes... It made him think that, in some way, she knew more about this than he did.

She moved to seat herself more comfortably in front of him, content with their situation for now. She didn't seem the least bit concerned about them moving on and continuing on their way through this new hellhole. Maybe she didn't want him to move just yet, maybe she was still concerned with his health.

That would make two of them.

"What's it like?" Kidman asked, looking to him once more. "... What's it like inside of your head?"

The question didn't even phase him. In fact, in a situation like this, it seemed appropriate.

"It's like hell." he whispered, as he gradually eased his glasses back on. His eyes had cleared up enough for him to finally get a hold on their surroundings and it was little more than a supply room. There was little else but an old desk in one corner, a pile of rotting boxes in the other and a dying light that continued to flicker weakly above them. His head was still ringing though- a consistent, mind numbing ring. And at this point, he'd be willing to crack open his own head to find the source. "And it makes me hate that this must be what I am now."

She kept quiet once more, as though giving him time to air himself out for a bit, before she spoke again.

"You can still fight it."

She was not the first person to tell him that...

Both she and Sebastian made it sound so easy.

It was far more difficult than that; there was more to it than just merely fighting it.

And right now, he was on the brink of just letting it go- if that was all he had to do to make the pain in his head stop, then maybe he would. But even that... even that was more difficult than how he portrayed it.

"It's hell to know that any time that bell goes off, I don't know what's going to happen." Joseph started, as he subconsciously tugged at the cuff of his glove for a moment. "I don't know if I'm going to go insane again, or if I'm going to get transported to some other hellhole. I could go completely insane and manage to actually kill someone next time... or put you in a situation where you have to kill me for your own survival. And I can't put someone in that kind of position- not you or Sebastian."

He guessed he just needed to talk... he needed to get this lingering, potential guilt off of his chest.

He had put his hands around Sebastian's neck before and while they got lucky that time, the action still rotted inside of him. He had watched himself do it, but no matter how hard he tried to fight, he couldn't stop; in that one moment, he had absolutely no control over himself. And there was nothing stopping him from losing complete control again.

"I guess we could all get lucky and instead, I put the bullet through my own head next time..."

He knew it would happen again.

It wouldn't just stop this time or even the next time- this would become a cycle for him.

Because that was what he was now.

"And I keep seeing that damn lighthouse." he finished, as he carefully pinched the space between his eyes. "... Inside my head, it's like hell."

Still silence.

Somehow, despite her lack of words, she had this look in her eye... it almost seemed like she completely understood him on some level. It was like she knew exactly what he was going through. Had she- or rather, was she...?

"... It's like having someone else living inside of your head." Kidman finally spoke, as she ran her fingers through her hair once more. "And every now and then, they get to pull the strings and they get to do what they want. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it, but sit back and watch them ruin you. You get to feel them rip you apart from the inside. And when you finally get control, it's like you're holding your guts in both hands and you have to shovel it all back inside of you."

Her words sent a cold chill through his bones.

He didn't want to know how she was able to describe it like that.

He didn't want to know if she was speaking from experience or not...

"And sometimes you don't even get everything back in before your turn is up and it starts all over." she continued. "That's when you start to lose pieces of yourself along the way and that's when you know you can't come back."

He couldn't even argue with what she said- it was disturbingly accurate, but he didn't want to imagine anyone else going through this...

"You can survive this."

Her words seemed oddly optimistic for a situation like this...

"... It sounds like you're speaking from experience." he started, although knowing damn well he didn't want an answered response to it.

She didn't say anything and instead pushed herself to her feet, briefly dusting herself off as she did. "You need rest. I'm going to check out the area once more and make sure we have a clear route out of here for when we do leave."

He didn't argue with her and instead watched as she slowly stepped out of the room, leaving the door briefly cracked when she left so not to make any noise; the corridor outside must've been flooded with something because he didn't even hear the echo of her heels as she moved on. Sighing briefly, he readjusted his glasses and leaned his head back against the wall.

The ringing had subsided.

At least for now.


End file.
